the Beginning...

When we started unschooling a year ago, I had read John Holt and Alfie Kohn and a few others. I was spurred on by visions of utopia. Visions of child prodigies and ivy league-bound geniuses, who were self confident, self motivated, content. This of course was in the back of my mind. I wasn't fully aware of it at the time. I knew we would throw out all thoughts of structure and settle into our own rhythm. I had no idea how profoundly we would all change. I now know that unschooling cannot be done just to learn academics. Unschooling cannot be done part way. In order for it to work in the way nature intended, we had to delve deeply into a whole new lifestyle.

My kids are still quite young. When I pulled them out of school, my oldest was in the first grade. I had one other in half-day preschool. They both excelled in school and were well liked. But I never intended to send them to school. While my oldest son was still in preschool three years ago, I researched many schooling alternatives. My search led me to Montessori then to homeschooling. I heard other people talking about unschooling. I was intrigued by it but not willing to let go completely. That summer I found out I was pregnant with twins. I panicked. Perhaps to a mother who can count all of her children on more than one hand, this may seem amusing. But I was no less than terrified. I was going from mother of two to mother of four in a few short months. So I enrolled my boys in the nearest public school and busied myself getting ready for babies. I struggled daily with my son, getting him dressed and out the door, as my body swelled to the size of a walrus. After the twins were born (full term and healthy), I had family members here to help struggle with my son - getting him dressed and out the door. We finished the year. Summer came and went and we automatically started school again. Not wanting to be away from his brother, my second son started preschool. It was my husband this time who brought up homeschooling. My focus began to change as I dusted off my books and prepared myself. This time I was ready for unschooling. I read everything I could find. We kept struggling through the first semester of school. And finally pulled them out at Christmas. Other people were so nervous for us.

After reading about deschooling, I made every effort to make no plans. The first few weeks were blissful, like a forbidden indulgence. We could just be. Then little by little doubts and worries crept in. I doubted myself. I doubted my children. Things got uncomfortably chaotic for me. None of us seemed to know what to do with ourselves. My tension was reflected back to me from my children. We fought and struggled. Tempers flared in my oldest son even to the point of rage. This began my journey toward peaceful parenting. How beautifully my children continue to teach me. We struggled for months. I was holding fast to the fact that we were deschooling. I blamed many things for my children's anger and their fighting.

At home together all day, week in and week out, we were faced with our own dysfunction. It was hard to admit. I needed to stop looking at outside influences as the cause of my children's behaviors and look inside myself. In some ways, I wanted my children to be my "proof" to everyone else that unschooling works by doing something spectacular that they thought of all on their own. I was impatient to see my own "proof." My children felt that pressure. As I learned to question my doubts and worries, I found my fears were totally unfounded. I was learning to trust the process of unschooling. I was learning to trust my children.

I continue to make peace with myself and peace with my children. As a result, I have fallen in love with them all over again. I look at my five and seven year olds with the same wonder and awe of a new parent. I see the curve of their bellies, their excitement and their struggles as little miracles. They now reflect that love and peace back to me. My oldest son had a major breakthrough with his rage. Nonmanipulative, peaceful parenting has changed him. It has changed my expectations of him. It has changed me. He still yells when he gets angry. But I figure for every time I ever yelled at him, like an echo, I will hear it back from him 100 times. He is far less aggressive with his brother.

My children continue to learn all day every day as do I. My oldest son began reading soon after he came home. He learned by reading signs and things on the computer and looking over my shoulder while I read to his siblings. He is now teaching himself math by coming up with problems and figuring them out in his head. He is also working on spelling and story telling. Ironically my focus has shifted from academics. It's clear to me now that they will learn all they need to learn in their own time. It is such a relief not to have to worry them there. As if my stress and guilt and clenched teeth could get them to Harvard! All the energy I was spending trying to get my children to behave and do what I thought they needed to do can now be spent loving them and enjoying them while they are here. We play together. We laugh and cry and stare at the wall together. But mostly we're all busy doing our own thing. I have been able to explore my own interests like music, art, food and nature. My daughters, now almost two years old, will unschool from the beginning. Lucky for me I don't have to worry and badger them into being the wonderful people that they already are. I just have to love them and be here. They remind me to stay right here in the moment.

So much has changed since we started unschooling I can hardly believe it has only been one year. Now we flow from day to day without thinking about what should or should not be done. Many times the kids don't want the day to end. I don't feel like I have to come up with some exciting game or project. I don't get too excited when they show an interest in something "academic." I can love them for who they are, not what they do. They amaze me with their discoveries as I watch them unfold. I am excited every day about who they are -- without expectations. It has taken a year but I feel like I finally get it. I think my children figured it out a long time ago. But they needed me to be at peace with them. And they needed me to be at peace with the process so they could feel safe and fully able to express themselves. Only then have we all been able to discover the freedom of unschooling.

Struggles

I have, in the past year, read quite a lot of books, articles, online posts, blogs, anything I could get my hands on about entertainment and children. Specifically, I have read about children watching television and playing video games. I have read about violence in games. I have read about noncoercive parenting and unschooling. I have read about giving children freedom to choose how they order their day. I have read about "radical" unschooling. Some circles insist on giving children absolute freedom to eat what they want, to play and do anything all day long. These people advocate giving their children a big life, exposed to as many things as they feel comfortable including unlimited video games and television. Most moms who do this say their house is peaceful and joyful because they don't have the struggle of setting limits. They also say that their kids aren't interested in a lot of adult TV with sex and violence. Their kids enjoy educational shows as well as cartoons and other kids shows. They watch with their kids especially if there is something scarey or confusing. This movie and tv experience opens the door for many conversations about all of life including violence, respect, sex, death, love etc. Although many of these moms admit their personal preference is to eat a healthy, low sugar diet and watch little or no tv. Some have said that if they were living alone, they would probably not even own a television. They want their children to make their own opinion about food and tv. They want their kids to learn to self regulate. They want to show their kids how they (the adult) eat a healthy diet and talk about nutrition but ultimately give the child the choice. If they eat too much sugar and feel sick, they learn that maybe they shouldn't do that next time. Rather than the parent telling them they will get sick and not allowing them to have it, they can experience it for themselves. The lesson will be more meaningful. Here is the quandry. When you decide to unschool or rather give in to this organic way of living and being together, suddenly everything is redefined. We are redefining education and family and how we move through the day. It permeates your whole life. Every thing and every person associated with this family is affected by this change. The whole notion of unschooling is dependent on the child wanting to learn about their world. They will eagerly learn everything they need to learn to function in this world. That is, they will learn to read because there are books and signs and other people reading in the house. They will learn math because it is an integral part of our world. They will learn how to care for themselves and their home. They will learn about science and nature because, once again, it is all around us. Then they will pursue their interests which will lead them to more studies and skills. These are things that make up who they are individually. A child who grows up to be a scientist will need to learn more math and science. A child who grows up to be a dancer will need to learn other things. These are things a child will beg for. If you watch and listen, you will know where they need to go, what they need to do. Because only they know who they will be when they grow up. I love the idea of unschooling. I love the writings of John Holt and many other's stories. This is how nature intended for children to learn. We are equipped with powerful learning tools. I see this at work in my children every day. We started unschooling almost a year ago. When I first pulled my children out of school (1st grade and pre-K), we totally relaxed. I made no plans or demands. We just followed the rhythm of the day. It was blissful at first. My children lost weight (not that they needed to) because they jumped on the trampoline for hours a day. As time went on, they discovered some cartoons that they love (that plays almost all day long). They play video games and computer games. We have also played many board, paper, card games. My 7 year old some days would watch cartoons all day long. Or, when he got board with cartoons, he would play video games and computer games. He was in front of a screen all day long. I have come to believe that children's television and video games are so orgasmically stimulating that young children lose their ability to entertain themselves without it. I think it is addicting. I'm not saying he is not learning. He has learned a lot. He started reading over the last year. He doesn't need my help on the computer anymore. But he is angry a lot. He and his brother fight quite often (always physical). I'm not blaming television for my son's anger. But they are both quite cranky when they stop watching tv while they are deciding what to do. They no longer want to go outside to explore nature (except to jump on the trampoline). They have lost interest in books. Their fantasy games are all about what they have watched or played. They are very creative. When you allow the freedoms of unschooling, freedom to eat when and what they want, freedom to bathe when they are ready, freedom to sleep when they are tired, freedom to move throughout their day according to their own rhythm. Then, inevitably there will be a gravitation to lots of tv and video games. Unschooling is a natural way. It uses a child's nature as a guide. I now agree with Naomi Aldort that keeping a lot of sugar and tv and video games out of the house is a kind of child proofing. Books, blocks, art supplies, musical instruments are no competition for the kind of extreme entertainment of television and video games. These toys and games do not fit into the natural model of unschooling in its original intent, at least not the way I understood it to work. I will not rid the house of tv or video games because my husband enjoys them too. But of course he is not here all day every day playing them. And he does not have a young developing mind. It would be easier for me to get rid of all of them. But that would be like cruel and unusual punishment to my kids. I admire the moms who feel free and joyful allowing their children true freedom in a world that values "screen time." I think it can work especially with older children. Many of these kids may be working on becoming game designers and computer whizzes. There is certainly a place for them in this society. A friend who does not watch tv in her home told me something that made me think. When you have a home that is electronically stimulating, you are not giving children a choice either.



Since I wrote this post, I have continued to struggle with how much television my children want to watch. I have made a special effort to not discount my children's choices. I don't want them to feel like I don't value their choices. I feel like such a grumpy, old censorship maven writing about the dangers of television. Nickelodeon is ruining our lives! I know my son needs to watch tv all day for a reason. He has told me that if I can't play with him, then all he can think to do is watch tv and if his cartoons are not on, then he'll play video games. "You don't know what it is like, Mom," he has said to me many times. And he's right. I don't know what it is like to be seven and have control over what I do all day and when I do it. I don't know what it is like to be 7 and not have someone telling me what to do all day. I don't know what it is like to be the oldest child of 4. I don't know what it is like to have toddler twin sisters. I don't know what it is like to be him. I do understand that he struggles between wanting to do his own thing and wanting someone do tell him what to do. I do know that he has mirrored my own anger at the world and my desire to be away from most people. These are things I'm becoming aware of about myself. I do know that those days when we have kept the television off, we talk about these things. We spend more time together. We grow. We play. We learn. And I see his curiosity and his interest in little things and his sweetness return.

UPDATE: I wrote this while I was struggling with the television issue. We did cut off our cable. But the kids have access to dvds, computer, video games. They order their favorite Nickelodeon shows on Netflix. They have free access to all of these things. For some reason, our lives are all much better without tv. We spend a lot more time together. This works for us.